Press and Media: Nursery World Articles
Pressing needs
There is usually a reason for attention-seeking behaviour and to help the child it's vital to identify underlying problems, say child psychologists from the Anna Freud Centre
Children who constantly need to be the centre of attention often give concern to adults. It is common for those who spend time with such children to fear that a vicious circle may develop whereby the adults' response will reinforce the child's demands and make matters worse.
Yet a useful dictum is that a child who is seeking attention probably needs attention of some sort, even if thought needs to be given as to how this attention can be given in a helpful way. In thinking about children's wish for attention, it may be useful to remind ourselves both of normal development and of how we all feel, even as adults.
A young child, who is constantly mastering new social, emotional and cognitive tasks, only gradually gains the capacity to feel internally rewarded for his or her achievements - that is, without praise from others.
All pre-school children need a great deal of notice and praise from important adults in their lives as they make new developmental steps. In addition, children need to feel that they are seen and recognised in themselves, even when not specifically achieving, as people who exist and matter.
It is through this recognition from 'loved others' that children develop a sense of themselves as individuals who have intrinsic value. As development proceeds, less external validation is needed but, as we all know, even adults need some explicit recognition from time to time.
In nursery-aged children one can often watch the gradual development of a greater ability to sustain an activity or interest with less external support. Children also gradually learn that there has to be give and take with other children, in the competition for attention from each other.
Feeling like a nobody
So what of children where the demand for attention seems excessive and troubling?
By thinking about what is normal we can immediately wonder whether this child may have less ability than his peers to regulate his sense of self-existence and/or self-esteem.
Perhaps, without extra attention from others, this child may feel like a nobody. Rather than experience this distressing feeling, he seeks to obviate it by demanding constant notice and reassurance. In such cases, to deal with the child by giving him less attention will exacerbate his problem and may lead him to seek it more and more
However, to simply give him the excessive attention he demands, without giving thought to the reasons for his difficulty, will not help him solve the underlying problem either.
In planning the care for a child who needs to be the centre of attention a number of things should be considered. How serious and long-standing is the problem? Does any particular type of situation seem to provoke the difficulty? What else is known about the child and his life?
Nearly all children have some periods when they behave in more attention-seeking ways than usual. Often they may be simply tired, unwell or anxious about some new situation, and tactful handling and patience can soon relieve the problem.
There can be more cause for concern both when a previously self-sufficient child becomes consistently demanding of attention (as with the case study of Sarah) and when needing to be the centre of attention is a constant and unchanging feature of a child's character (as with David). The following case studies give some ideas about possible strategies for management.
Case study: Sarah
Sarah had been in nursery since shortly before her third birthday. She was a competent child who enjoyed and made good use of the opportunities for play and learning and who was developing good social skills.
After some six months there was a rather sudden change. To their surprise the staff found Sarah becoming a pushy and extremely competitive child who seemed desperate to get their approval as being better than everyone else.
For example, on one occasion when another girl had carefully dressed one of the dolls and was very pleased with the result, Sarah snatched the doll and shouted that it was 'silly and smelly' and that she could dress it much better, much to the distress of the other child.
The staff were on good terms with Sarah's mother and arranged a discussion with her about the change in Sarah's behaviour. The mother was surprised, as Sarah's behaviour at home had not changed.
However, she mentioned that she was pregnant with her second child and knew she must tell Sarah; she had been putting it off because she feared making Sarah jealous. The teacher suggested that maybe Sarah had an idea about this already and that it might be important to tell her very soon.
She emphasised that some jealousy was normal and that a child could be helped to cope with it if her feelings were acknowledged and if she was also involved as an important big sister to the baby.
She said that maybe Sarah had shown her feelings at nursery but had been good at home because of the fear of losing her mother's approval in favour of the new baby.
Once Sarah had been told the news, the staff were able both to link her wanting to be the centre of attention in the nursery with her worry that she might be less important when her mum had the baby, and to sometimes make her the centre of attention in her role as future big sister.
Following these measures, Sarah quickly became her usual self and her progress continued after the birth of the baby.
Case study: David
David arrived in nursery aged three and a half and from the start caused concern. He would rush from one activity to another, always seeing something another child was doing and wanting to take it over.
He was particularly liable to do this if the teacher was giving attention to another child. At story time he would interrupt others, children and adults, to shout his own contributions and often these included remarks about all the toys he possessed at home and all the things he was able to do.
Other children started to try to avoid him. Over several months the staff tried to give him the attention he seemed to crave while also gently restraining him and explaining that others needed a turn as well.
If not allowed to hold the floor in the way he wished, David would collapse into incoherent distress and rage, retreating and refusing comfort. He had separated from his mother easily and since then she would drop him at the nursery and depart, giving a slight impression of wanting to avoid contact. She had cancelled an appointment to discuss David's progress. After discussion, the nursery staff decided they must try to get to know David's mother better.
Meanwhile they allocated one of their volunteers to give David special attention. This person made it clear to him that she would be his special playmate whenever she was present and he learned to know what hours she came.
The nursery teacher made a special point of speaking to David's mother in a particularly welcoming way at the beginning and end of the day and gradually she 'thawed' a little and agreed to be more involved.
Over time, as the nursery teacher spoke of her concern about David, being careful to express no criticism of his mother, she learned about the mother's depression following the death of David's father when he was one year old.
This had led to considerable periods of time during which she was unable to give David the attention he needed. David's difficulties did improve somewhat through the care of the staff for him, but after several months they were still concerned.
David's mother had come to trust the staff and eventually she accepted their suggestion of seeking help for herself and David through her GP.
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