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Show of Strength/Child behaviour: bullies
Understanding how children's capacity for empathy is obstructed can shed light on why they may become bullies, say psychologists from the Anna Freud Centre
When we think of bullies, we imagine children in a school playground, or teenagers in the streets, picking on and tormenting someone. A bully abuses power, and gains satisfaction and indeed status from his ability to manipulate and intimidate others.
The bully's self-esteem is enhanced by every successful attempt to dominate and control. Paradoxically, though bullies are feared, they gather groups of loyal followers who admire and emulate their ways.
In fact, they often become heroes. Though bullies are able enough to understand how other people feel - and so to manipulate and exploit their weaknesses - what they lack is empathy, the capacity to feel for others.
There are many reasons children become bullies, and there is no single approach to deal with the problem successfully. Understanding some of the early experiences of children, how their capacity for empathy is obstructed or facilitated, could shed some light on why some children become bullies and help to develop appropriate responses to contain them and prevent harm to other children.
The following example, of a boy and his mother, seen together at a weekly toddler group, gives us some indications of the problems that a child could develop in his relations with other children, and an early warning about potential bullying.
Cast study: Martin
Martin came with his mother to the toddler group at the age of 17 months. He was only speaking a little, and was rather clumsy in his play. We noticed that his mother was quite overwhelming in her dealings with him.
In one instance, he got into a toy car and she pushed him rather too hard from one end of the room to the other, loudly shouting 'Vroom, vroom!' Martin looked bewildered, and a little frightened.
He hung on to the edges of the car tightly, wincing, and cried out when his feet were bent under the car and dragged on the floor by the force of his mother's movement. She did not notice, and repeated the movement several times.
Later, Martin wandered into the garden getting too near to the swings where other children were playing, and then tried to climb on a slide too high for him
He was not being watched by his mother, who was talking to another adult. He ran about nearby and fell and, although he was not badly hurt, cried in distress.
His mother did not react at first, but then scooped him up and pronounced him 'all right.'
Martin was curious about the other children and watched what they were doing, but his mother did not pick up on what Martin was interested in and did not follow his cues.
She seemed to 'barge in' on him with what interested her, insisting on a toy or a game while paying little attention to what he would like or would be able to do.
Martin made some attempts to take toys from other children, and clearly did not yet have very firm notions of give-and-take or sharing. He was aggressive towards other children, particularly a smaller girl. He hit her quite hard and she cried.
Martin's mother picked him up and removed him from the scene, insisting that he say 'sorry.'
Tough love
In this example, we see a mother who has trouble treating her son as a separate person, with his own abilities, interests, tastes and vulnerabilities. Her difficulty in playing with him, and finding out what he might enjoy, reflects her anxiety about her capacity for mothering.
She imposes her own version of what she thinks is a fun game, perhaps wishing to see her son as an older, tougher little boy, which would reassure her that he is not as young and dependent as he is.
She appears not to register his fear and pain during the rather too violent game when he rides in the car.
Later, when he falls in the garden, she reacts with a denial, not able to take in his distress and help him deal with it; by saying he is all right she conveys to him the message that she cannot stand his upset feelings, so he must recover quickly.
Simple games of exchanging objects with mother, the very earliest and most fundamental form of play, which initiate the child's ability to play with and relate to others, have been lacking in Martin's experience.
Rather, we see the mother trying to push Martin into activities that satisfy her wish for a tough, big boy, more skilful and less needy of her. His aggressive behaviour towards a younger child reflects the mother's roughness towards him.
By being whisked away and told he must say 'sorry', he is not helped to stay with the consequences of what he has done, to notice the little girl's feelings and to develop empathy towards her.
At his age, when he is barely able to talk, simply saying 'sorry' from a distance is not meaningful, and does not connect with his actions.
Martin's self-esteem will depend on his success in fulfilling his mother's wish that he be tough, and more grown-up than he actually is; but this will come at a price.
He is not rewarded in his attempt to express his feelings, or his curiosity and interest in something which he initiates of his own accord.
If he were, he would develop confidence that his experience and his developing ideas about what is good or pleasurable are worthwhile, which would affirm his existence as a person in his own right.
Inner resources
The child's first ideas of what kind of a person he is come from the response that he gets from his primary caregiver. His interest and pleasure in objects or events are given meaning by the way his mother notices and amplifies them.
We are all familiar with young children calling out, 'Look, Mummy, look!' when they are trying or discovering something new; the activity acquires meaning and is made real by the mother looking and saying something that confirms the validity of the child's interest in it.
When a child has good experiences that gradually accumulate to build a secure and confident personality, an inner world develops which enables the child to feel resourceful. Thus he is more able to tolerate distress and weakness in himself, and ask for and expect help and support from his parents and others when he needs it.
He will not feel driven to adopt a premature or artificial outer shell of toughness. His treatment of others will accordingly reflect how he is treated, and his capacity for empathy will indicate whether his own feelings and experiences have been respected and taken seriously.
A child who lacks such experience tends to disown his own feelings of being helpless and vulnerable and project them on to others younger and weaker than himself. He despises and scorns these feelings in them, thus appearing much stronger in comparison. He also seeks admiration and confirmation of his strength through intimidation and control, reflecting an inner emptiness that provides little to validate and encourage him.
Another way
Other children admire the bully as one who succeeds in not ever feeling weak or needy. Adults need to understand this appealing quality in the bully, in order to be able to provide other ways for the bully to express his strength and so protect children from becoming his victims.
For example, a child who tends to bully others might be encouraged to demonstrate something that requires skill or strength to the others, or to show others how to perform a new task.
Praise and admiration of the bully's helpful attitude conveys to the bully that the adult recognises his competence as well as his need for recognition, even though it gives the bully a chance to show off!
We often emphasise a child's bravery or resilience at the risk of negating their being little, inexperienced and needy.
By acknowledging both aspects in children we give a more realistic response to their actual struggles to overcome ordinary difficulties, and we recognise that they all have differing abilities.
This helps us to maintain a perspective on the different children in a group, and it also lessens the power of a bully to dominate, and the tendency for children to become his fascinated followers.
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