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Help, I’m a mum!
We’ve all been told that having a baby is supposed to be one of the happiest times in our lives. But what happens when it’s not? Tessa Baradon, parent-infant psychotherapist, answers your questions about how to cope with being a new mum, and what to do when it goes wrong.
How am I supposed to feel now I am a mum?
Well, perhaps very joyful, and a little bit afraid because you’ve got this tiny baby you’re responsible for. Also, a little bit unsure whether this baby’s going to eat up your whole life and whether there’s going to be anything of you left; so how much you’re going to resent the baby sometimes. If you’ve had a difficult birth you might feel extremely tired and unsupported, or you might feel that it is the baby’s fault that you suffered in this way. A whole range of feelings would be normal rather than just one feeling.
As a parent how do I know when I need help?
Most parents when they’re not feeling themselves, even in this new situation, recognise that. I think the problem is less about knowing that things aren’t quite right, but feeling that you’re in such a situation that you’re entitled to ask for help. In other words, acknowledging it to yourself and to others. Feeling that this relationship with your new baby is important enough to take up someone else’s time and that you won’t then be considered a very bad mother for not being able to cope.
So how do I know if I have Post Natal Depression or if I am just feeling a bit fed up and overwhelmed?
If you’re tired and fed up you would expect that mood to pass and to go through ups and downs. So in the evening you might feel more fed up and in the morning more optimistic, for example. But when you have post natal depression there is something very relentless about it, so there aren’t ups and downs, it’s just very pervasive.
I don’t feel that I need professional help yet, but are there any coping strategies that I can use myself?
The first strategy would be to try and take a view on what’s going on, try and get a perspective other than being completely immersed in things. And if you need to, talk to someone to get another perspective, or simply have the dialogue inside your own head, just to see whether what you’re feeling or how things are building up is expectable or is more than needed. So one thing is getting the input of another perspective on things; a perspective that is not about reassuring you and tidying things into a box but is genuine and considered.
Another is that when things get heated, to try and anticipate where you’re going to get most tired, or most irritated, or most upset and shortcut the process by trying to avoid it. If you know you’re very tired in the evening, try to get someone in with you in the evening. Or if you know that you get very upset in certain circumstances, try and get some support at that time.
It was so different being a mum from being at work –I really found it hard. It was so lonely, other people thought my baby was so sweet, but I found it hard to know what I felt about him. Will he know that? Have I screwed this relationship up?
I think a lot of parents think that out there is the image of the best mother in the world and they’re not meeting that standard. In magazines and women’s journals and so on, the babies are always pretty and the mothers are always so well kept and look so fresh when actually it’s been night after night of being awake for most of the night. I think that as long as you’re able to feel that you can think about what your baby is trying to say to you in his cries or in his demands you are pretty much on the safer side because then you are actually still thinking about your baby, as well as being unsure about yourself. It’s when you lose sight that your baby is a little person who’s not out there to get you but is really trying to say something to you, then that’s in more dangerous waters.
Sometimes I think maybe I should never have become a parent, does everybody feel like that?
I would say that every parent has times when they are less certain about wanting to be a parent, about being able to love their child unconditionally, about what they’ve given up. All parents are expectably uncertain at times as to whether they’ve made the right decision. But sometimes the negative feelings can override the positive feelings in a persistent way, are more dominant than positive feelings and don’t go away so the overall tone of relating to the child is more negative than positive. It’s then, I think, you need to look for help.
I am worried my baby will be taken away from me if I ask for help. Would this happen?
On the contrary. Asking for help lessens the likelihood that your baby will be taken away because it demonstrates how attentive you are to your baby and your capacity to be the kind of mother the baby needs. It’s often when parents deny that there’s anything wrong that other people, including the professionals, are most concerned.
