On My Mind: Helping Someone Else with their mental health

1 in 10 young people will go through periods of feeling emotionally unwell during any given year, but what do you do when this is your friend or relative?

We understand it can be hard to know what to do when someone you care about is going through a rough patch, so we have put together some tips and advice, with the help of Common Room and young people from mental health support group Hearts & Minds.

Below is some information on how to talk to someone you're worried about, how to look after yourself during this time and how to seek help from an adult if you become seriously worried. In each section, you can read quotations that come directly from young people who have experience coping with similar situations. You can view the tips on the images or by using the drop-down below each image if you're low on data. You can also download a free pdf version of the tips below.

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1.First of all, make sure you are looking after yourself. You cannot help someone else if you're not feeling well. There is more advice on this in the second section, and you can also search for support or information using our Youth Wellbeing Directory.

‘It’s alright you asking them if they’re okay, but make sure you can handle it if they turn round and say they’re not’
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2. If you’re worried about someone, be honest. Use a calm, normal tone. You could say, ‘You’ve been seeming down, and I just wanted to check you’re okay?

‘Don’t wait for something to happen, let them know you’re there for them anytime’
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3. When you ask someone how they’re doing, try to make sure it’s a private space where they won’t need to worry about someone else overhearing.

'If someone's vulnerable with me, my natural response is to feel more comfortable to share with the, because it feels equal.'
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4. Sometimes these conversations can feel awkward and that’s okay. Take your time and figure it out together - there is no one ‘correct’ answer.

‘It’s natural to feel nervous about having this kind of conversation with someone’
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5. Let them know they are not alone and that whatever they say, you aren’t judging them. You could share your own experiences if it feels relevant but make sure it doesn’t take over the conversation.

‘People need to know that what they’re going through, other people have gone through it as well.'
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6. If they avoid answering or don’t want to talk about it, make sure you don’t pressure them into talking. That can make someone feel anxious.

‘If someone keeps pressing me when I don’t want to talk I make more of an effort to hide anything that’s going on’
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7. Give them space if they need it. Sometimes when someone is emotional, they might need time to process everything and calm down before talking about it.

‘It’s a balance between letting them know you’re there for them but not smothering them’
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8. Whether they do or don’t open up to you, carry on being your normal self. This will show them that how you feel about them hasn’t changed, and that you just want them to be okay.

‘Sometimes doing something with someone can mean more than talking - just do something nice for them and then they can open up in their own time’
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9. Avoid interrupting them or giving them too much advice. This can feel overwhelming - different things are helpful for different people. If you’re unsure of what to say, you could ask, ‘Do you want advice or just someone to listen? Either is okay, but I just want to check.’

‘Sometimes you’ve just got to hear them out and let them be emotional rather than try to fix everything’
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10. If you can, give them an idea of who else they could talk to. The Youth Wellbeing Directory can provide information on what support is available. If they end up talking to someone else instead, that doesn’t reflect badly or you or your friendship - sometimes it’s just the right time and place.
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11. If you want to recommend somewhere they can get support, don’t just give them a name and location. It can feel intimidating going somewhere new so, if you can, explain what it is like and how it works. If you feel comfortable, offer to go with them - but give them the option to say no. ‘I could come with you if that would help but no worries if that would feel awkward.’
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'Take a genuine interest in them, not just an interest in their problem.'

‘My mental health is not me, it’s just a part of me. At the end of the day a diagnosis is just a sheet of paper - it doesn’t define me or mean that everything I do is because of that’
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12. If you need to talk about the situation, make sure you do so for the right reasons. Avoid gossiping - it’s their situation to share, not yours.

‘Find someone safe to talk to, maybe someone who’s not a gossip or connected to your friend’
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13. If they say or do something that makes you feel really concerned about their safety, tell an adult you trust. An example of this could be if you feel worried to leave them or let them go home after school. There is more information on this in the third section.

‘When they look back and they’re doing better, they might realise they were actually in danger’

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1. At the start of the conversation, make sure you are prepared and well enough yourself to hear them out.

‘If you are listening to someone else’s problems, always think about your own health. And if you’re not able to take on their stuff then don’t put yourself in those situations’
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2. Looking after your friend or relative is not all on your shoulders. Think about who else may be able to support them.

'Sometimes being a good friend can be pointing someone to getting professional support and not taking it all on yourself’
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3. As much as you care about your friend, a friendship needs to be balanced. It’s okay that one person’s needs come first for a little while if they’re having a tough time, but a healthy friendship will come back to the middle.

‘All friendships will go up and down but if you start to feel like it’s too much and you’re in too deep it’s best to be honest with them’
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4. Signs that your friendship has become unbalanced could include:
- You’re thinking about their problems so much you are finding it difficult to concentrate
- Conversations are always about them and they never ask about you
- You feel undervalued and they haven’t been appreciating or respecting you
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5. If you feel anxious or guilty, try to think about what you might advise a friend in your situation. Sometimes we are kinder to others than we are to ourselves!

‘You need to put you first. You can’t be helpful if you’re not first helping yourself’
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6. Supporting someone else can be draining. It’s important to make sure you have support too. This might be a friend, or a professional like a counsellor, GP or teacher.

‘Sometimes external support can be helpful, rather than a friendship becoming too intense’

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1. If you can, let them know you are worried and would like to tell an adult. Perhaps you could discuss with them who they’d prefer you to speak to, so they don’t feel as though they’ve lost control.

‘If I have to tell someone, who do you want me to tell? So it feels like you’re doing it together’
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2. If they agree to speak to an adult, offer to go with them. Talking to an adult can feel intimidating and make things feel more serious, so they may appreciate the support.

‘You don’t need to patronise someone, just be normal and honest with them’
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3. If they refuse and ask you to keep it a secret, trust your instincts. If it feels too risky or overwhelming, it’s important you let someone else know.

‘You can tell when something’s not right with someone, especially if you’ve known them for a long time’
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4. Weigh up your decision. Remember your friend or relative’s safety as well as your own wellbeing should come before the worry that telling someone might affect your relationship.

‘At the end of the day I’d rather someone be safe and not be my friend, than not be safe’
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5. They may be grateful to you in the future when looking back and realising they weren’t safe.

‘Sometimes when I’m going through things I don’t realise how much someone else is going out of their way to help me - but when I’ve been happier, I’ve realised’
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6. Remember that although you can’t tell them what to do, you can explain why you need to tell someone else and stand by your decision. You don’t need to feel guilty for making sure someone is safe. Professionals like teachers or other staff may need to do the same thing. You can find out more about confidentiality here.

Download a PDF of this information (recommended for screen readers or to print).

Access the Youth Wellbeing Directory

This section was developed by Common Room and young people from mental health support group Hearts & Minds.

More info:

A Young Champion, Rachel, provides some advice on how to support a friend struggling with their mental health.

The Lingo booklet was co-produced by a Young Champion, Amy, and staff at the Centre and provides insights in to the experiences of young people when talking to adults and professionals about their mental health. You can view and download Lingo by clicking on the image below:

Back to Young people

Helping someone else

1 in 10 young people will go through periods of feeling emotionally unwell during any given year, but what do you do when this is your friend or relative?

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